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Posts Tagged ‘stickability’

So last year was about acceptance – accepting myself as I am and being true to my own self, rather than needing to live up to some external expectations (or my perception of what those external expectations may be).

And this year has built on that theme, but also introduced the idea of what I call ‘stickability’ – the value in just sticking with something, seeing it through, creating a solid foundation and continuing to build on it, rather than running from one thing to the next.

So it’s about the time of year when I start thinking – I wonder what the theme for the next year will be.

I think it is something the year will reveal to me as it goes, but my prediction at this point is this: that next year will continue to build on the themes of acceptance/being true to self, and stickability, and that it’s own theme will be this revolutionary idea – that it is possible to be happy.

I think it will build further upon the perspective I have been gaining on the true meaning of happiness – that it does not lie out there in the future or in the achievement of some specific thing, but that rather it lies inherent in every moment, waiting to be experienced and opened up to.  That the real happiness lies in the doing, not in the have done.  And that it lies simultaneously in both the small moments of life, and also in the committing of yourself to something larger that you truly believe in and can feel proud of.

I feel at a really good place in my life and my self at the moment.  And it sure has been a long, hard road to get here.  But I’m learning, and just over the last few weeks really, I have begun to really open up to and embrace my own self.  The smallest things, that would probably sound silly to anyone else, are to me hugely positive markers of my change in perspective and increasing sense of wellbeing and self acceptance and love of life.

I am accepting that my body needs fuel, and that I am no longer a teenager and don’t have to look like one, and that I may not always be a size 8, and that it’s ok to have a woman’s body, and I am more ok with this than I have ever been.

I have come to a radical new acceptance of my hair and truly learnt what it means to embrace yourself entirely as you are without modification.

I have come to a new peace with all the parts of myself – the part that is excited by emergencies and medicine, the part that feels at home in poetry and literature, the part that loves to party and meet lots of awesome and interesting new people, the part that likes to sit at home on my own with a cup of tea and a good book.  I’ve discovered that all those things can dwell together as a part of me, that I don’t have to choose one or the other but can embrace all aspects of myself.

I feel like my life is finally becoming rooted in a sense of purpose and direction, and that I may finally have stumbled upon something I can believe in and devote myself to.  And also enjoy!!

I have discovered that I’m not perfect and I’m not going to be – but I am good, and maybe that is good enough.  I’ve discovered that I actually like myself and that I’m fine just as I am.

I have discovered that life is actually pretty good.  And that maybe it is actually possible to be happy.

So I’m looking forward to the next year!  And I’m enjoying the end of this one.   In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my glorious weekend in my favourite city and look forward to work on Monday.  Yes, I did say I am looking forward to work.  Life is good 🙂

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Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have learned that to adhere to ‘stickability’, you have to know yourself enough to know what you want to stick at.  I continue to believe that when you find your own unique place in the world, you will automatically be driven to ‘stick’ with it, to keep going even when it’s hard or unpleasant, to commit for better or worse because there is nothing else for you, because what you do is driven by who you are and who you essentially need to be.

I had been thinking about going back to Med School.  I think because my head had been going overtime and I needed an easy answer.  I need to know that my life is worth something, that it has meaning in some way, some purpose.  I think Med School seems like an easy panacea for me – it’s like  a ready-made purpose all wrapped up in social acceptability, so that I wouldn’t have to think anymore, wouldn’t have to keep asking the question – not just who but why am I?!

I came to the conclusion that going back to Med School was rather more running from the question than moving towards the answer.  Flailing about in the unknown, the blank slate of unknown purpose, I gravitated back to that which seemed a nice, neat definition for me, something to make my life make sense.

But Emily’s Quest is about living and loving the questions in the faith, hope and trust that I will somehow live my way into the answer.  And so I am going to embrace the unknown and keep asking the question into the darkness, in the faith that one day I will look around and realise I am living the answer already and always have been.

So in a way I was right about this year being about stickability, but not in the way I thought.  It’s not about sticking to an arbitrary sense of external validation and definition, but rather about sticking true to that little voice in my soul that urges me on and learning to just be with it long enough to really hear what it is saying, not trying to cover it over with easy solutions and quick-fix bandaids.

For some reason, that little voice  – that is not really a voice at all but a sense, a knowning, an urging – has been pulling me for a long time towards Australia, and in particular Sydney.  Don’t ask me why or what I even mean by that – it’s just there.

So, I am finally, finally, finally, just going to have the guts to just bloody do it.  Enough talking, enough thinking, enough questioning of motives.  I am currently in almost exactly the same situation that I have been at least two other times in my life.  I talking exactly the same right down to where I’m working and where I’m living.  There is a pattern repeating in my life and I recognise the place I am at with much familiarity.  And you know what they say about what happens if you ‘always do what you’ve always done…’

So I am making a difference choice this time.  I am (hopefully!) breaking the pattern.  How lucky I am to live in a life where I get to choose again.  The first two times I chose wrong.  So life as brought me back the exact same situation and now I get to choose again.

This time I choose the fear, I choose the excitement, I choose the small voice inside of me that won’t be drowned out, I choose the absolute unknown and the vastness of the world ahead of me, I choose to dance with the questions of life.

I am terrified.  I am excited.  I am alive!

Sydney here I come!

Sydney here I come!

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I’m currently in the process of pimping this blog out – by which I mean, importing all my random stuff written elsewhere and consolidating it into one handy dandy online notebook.  I wrenched all of my previous blog from the Googley hands of Blogger, added some other stuff I did recently, and voila!

If last year was about self-acceptance and embracing the constancy of change, I think this year is shaping up to be about stickability.  About the value in just sticking with something through thick and thin, of finding something you believe in and just doing it, good times and bad, no matter what.  About actually building something solid and worthwhile in life, a foundation from which to actually accomplish something of value rather than just flitting from the surface of one thing to the next and never staying long enough to see out the shit and build something meaningful.

Hopefully this means that in another 5 years, I will be able to look back and say I actually have something to show for it, I actually used that time to stick at something and become something I believe in.

All of this vague waffle does actually have a concrete underpinning, but I’m holding those cards close to my chest at little longer until I know that it will all go to plan.  Solid, committed, stop-running-away-stand-still-and-actually-do-what-you-came-here-to-do plan.

I promise the details will be forthcoming shortly…

Life: to be continued…

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