I did that thing again.
That thing where you let yourself be dictated by a sense of shoulds. By a sense that if someone were watching your life, there are certain things you should do. By a sense that the story, should you tell it to someone else, would sound better if you did certain things.
It goes like this. When you’re in London, you should go to all the museums. When it’s a sunny day, you should go outside and go to the markets. When you have a well-earned day off, you should use it well and productively.
It takes a special attunement to the inner voice, to that deepest sense of self, to bring fully into conscious awareness – I hate museums! I don’t feel like going to the market! I actually really enjoy luxuriating in a whole day spent on the couch with my book!
These things may all sound small…. but it begins in the small things. The small things are your practice ground, where you learn to flex your muscles, attune your ear. When you stand at the tram stop and take note of the slight unease within you and learn to recognise what it is saying (“I feel like staying home!”) – and when you learn to not only listen to but honour and obey this sense of self, this voice within you – this is just a small step on the path towards making bigger life decisions in the same way. Not from the head, but from the gut, from the heart, from the place within you that knows exactly where you want to be and exactly how to get you there.
The importance of this lies in a simple fact – your inner intuition knows exactly how to get you where you want to go, BUT – it will not take you on an obvious or expected route. To trust your inner voice is to let go of all need to dictate HOW you get to where you want to be. That is the ultimate trust – to keep moving with what *feels right* even if your head may be saying “this is crazy! I can’t see where this is going!” It is not always for us to know at the beginning of things, how they will end. If it were any other way, then our birth would be our death and we would languish in the inbetween.
This way of living doesn’t work for everyone. But I have increasingly devoted myself to the path of my inner knowing. I believe in its ability to know exactly what is right for me, even when I don’t recognise it or understand why at the time. The path can be convoluted – but in my experience, it is always rewarding.
For me it began with the small things, learning to listen to and trust the voice to make small, everyday decisions. It ended here – halfway around the world and yet almost full circle to where I started, living the life I’ve always wanted. It ended here, in this place where it is all just beginning – loved, safe and happy.
